Entry 1 — God's Dream

Dear Diary

No matter how many people tell me something is good, the one person who calls it horrible is the person I listen to. I ignore the wave and focus on the ripple.

Have you ever been here before? Because trust me, I feel the same way, except it's usually not some random person's negative comment, but my own.

The saying, "Your mind is your worst enemy," is annoyingly accurate, and I hate how true it is. Why is it that our brain, the thing God gave us to survive, can corner us against a wall through hateful words, lies, comparisons, suicidal thoughts, and so much more? It can create such darkness... only to turn around and have the beautiful power to create stories, architecture, art, music, cinematic pieces, and so on. The human brain is mind-boggling, and I'm not sure I will ever understand what God was thinking when he designed it.

Something I have noticed throughout my lifetime is the more someone says I can't do something, the quicker I am to prove them wrong (or try to). Though this can be a good thing sometimes, as said by William Dudley, "Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing." Believe me, in most cases, it's definitely the latter. Trying to prove myself worthy and prove others wrong became exhausting, and before I knew it, I burned out. And what happens when you're burnt out? You fall into the optimal mental state for negativity. I felt hopeless, pathetic, and I wouldn't stop comparing myself to everyone and everything around me. "This person got published this many times," or "If God really wanted me to be a writer, then I would be successful by now," and on, and on, and on.

My brain became a roller-coaster that only went in circles and it made me physically nauseous. Not only did I find out my brain was going in circles, but I soon realized my life was as well. You know how it goes: energized for a few weeks, burned out for a few months. Repeat. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape. In those moments, I would curl up in a ball on the floor and dwell on the millions of thoughts about my worth and my future. But why did my worth revolve around my future? The future is the future, so why was I already telling myself I was a failure? I can't blame it on the negative comments said by a few people in my life when I was surrounded by constant love, support, and affection from friends and family.

Finally, I sat down and started writing. When I write, my brain stops. It stops, takes a deep breath, and all the thoughts and voices in my head stop trying to override one another. My fingers hit the keys, and before I know it, I'd learned more about myself in the three paragraphs I just wrote than any attempt to self-analyze. When I write, all those pesky intrusive thoughts fade away like water down a drain. How? Because God made me; He gave me a purpose. When I shut up, swallow my pride, and sit down to do what He created me for, I’m at peace. There is no room for negativity. When I write, I'm closest to God. Imagine that?

Find what God wants you to do, and if you know it, do it. Why worry about the future? Why worry about your worth when you are a child of God? (Put that on your resume).

All it takes is one spark to ignite that burning ember inside of you.

Don't expect it to be easy, but don't give up. Put the work in and trust that God has a plan. You may feel burnt out, or have negative thoughts, but allow God to spark a fire in you again. All He does is dream for you; dream with Him.

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Musical Encouragement:

Thank you for reading, you beautiful person!